The "Non-Trad Wife" and a Kale White Bean Soup Recipe that'll soothe your soul.
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Hey Reader, In this week's musings, I share my thoughts on the "trad wife" phenomenon. If you're really not up for a conversation on that, I totally get it. Just scroll on down to This Week's Recipe Inspo! Note: If you're only interested in receiving recipe emails from me, no problem. Click here and from this point forward, you'll ONLY get the Weekly Recipe Roundups on Thursdays. Otherwise, read more for a short discussion on traditional and non-traditional wives. Last week, I posted a short video called "I am a non-trad wife." For those of you who are not up to date on the Gen Z lingo (believe me, I'm usually in your camp), "trad wife" refers to "traditional wife." In 2024, there was an explosion of social media content romanticizing, glorifying, and, in some cases, cheekily poking fun at the tropes surrounding the stay-at-home wife. For instance, in one video, a stunningly beautiful woman, Nara Smith, is clad in a designer evening gown as she makes a Capri-Sun for her children from scratch. She intones all the ingredients in a somewhat unusually monotone voice as her perfectly manicured hands peel and chop up entire pineapples, pears, and oranges because her kids prefer the "Multivitamin" version. She throws all of this into her high-powered juicer and pours the mixture into reusable "juice packs." Aside from the evening gown, flawless makeup, and the eerily monotone voice-over, there isn't anything very extraordinary about a mom wanting to make fresh juice for her kids. But in other videos, the same content creator is seen making tacos "because her husband wanted a home cooked meal." In another, she recounts how she decided to make rice crispy treats to save her husband "the hassle" of buying the sticky snack for himself at the nearby store. Again, there's nothing wrong, per se, about making rice crispy treats at home or wanting to regularly provide home cooked meals for your family. And there's definitely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mother. As I mentioned last week, I had the good fortune to hear Maria Shriver speak at a book event for her recently released memoir, I am Maria, and one thing she said that stood out to me was how "being a mother is enough." It speaks to the insecurity borne by many women who believe they must somehow prove their value beyond motherhood. "Oh, I'm just a mom," they might say when introduced to high-powered career women who, may themselves, also be mothers. But "just a mom" is enough, as Maria reiterates. So, is there something wrong, then, with the "trad wife phenomenon"? At first blush, no, as described above. A window into the world of traditional wives is still a window into the world of many women. Women, in general, remain an inadequately represented demographic, despite making up half the planet and, as of 2023, nearly 1 in 4 women were stay-at-home wives. I welcomed the insight, since, I myself, am not a "trad wife." But there's adequate representation and then there's fair representation. What does it mean that a modelesque woman in a couture gown churns her own butter using a fancy KitchenAid? And what does it mean that this particular representation of the "traditional wife" has collected hundreds of millions of views and tens of millions of followers? In my view, we've now ventured beyond the "they deserve to be seen" concept and into the world of vicarious simulation, where the aspirational line between ludicrous fantasy and "relatable" starts to blur. When the attention economy overwhelmingly rewards the unattainable, it becomes all too easy to trick people into believing that there's some truth to the fantasy. "Maybe I should look more presentable when I'm baking bread for the kids." "Maybe I should put on makeup even if I have no plans to leave the house." "Maybe I should churn my own butter every week." The "should" doesn't just voice itself into existence out of nowhere. It has a very traceable, very definitive source: millennia of misogyny. And once more, we're back to where we started: being "just a mother" is NOT enough. At the end of my own video, I posit that no one kind of wife--trad or non-trad--should win more admiration or virality than the other. Rather, all women deserve to be seen. But this latter statement is premised on the sentence I voice before it: "All women should just be allowed to be." If it is a woman's choice to wear an evening gown as she churns her own butter, so be it and more power to her! But it is often so hard to extricate choice from conditioning, agency from manicured subjugation, that I wonder how many trad-wives are truly "being" what they choose. And then I chide myself for being precisely the infantilizing asshole I detest. A woman's choice to do anything--pursue a career in law and forgo having children, give up a career in banking to raise her babies--they aren't levers on a switchboard, clearly visible and easy to pull. Indeed, life is a myriad of both infinitesimal and colossal choices, as chaotic and snarled as a body's nervous system. We can attach judgment to the structures that oppress women without judging the victims of that oppression. But there does, indeed, need to be a counterweight--not a rebuttal, mind you--to the trad-wife movement, to ensure that a full and honest portrait of womanhood emerges.
In Case You Missed It... My newest recipe is this incredible Kale and White Bean Soup. It's hearty, it's filling, it's easy, it's healthy. I mean, what's not to like, amiright?
What I'm... Parting Thoughts. One woman commented on my "non-trad wife" video saying, "you can't have it both ways." I agree with this comment. But before you begin furiously typing up a reply to this email, let me explain. My mother was a non-trad wife. She worked as a nurse our entire childhood. As a result, my grandmother and later, even my father, did most of the "trad" things around the house. My mother was rarely in the kitchen (other than when she was eating) and it was often my Dad who drove us to and from piano lessons, soccer practice, sleepover parties. Don't get me wrong--Omma didn't have it easy, by any means. When she wasn't at work at her very high stress job (she worked in the emergency room), she was also expected to clean, grocery shop, help us with homework, and bake cupcakes for Valentine's Day. It just so happened that my father worked the night shift, which meant that he was just more available than my mom during waking hours. I often wonder what it would have been like to have a mom who stayed at home much more. Anthony, my husband, had a mom like that. I hear him talk about his childhood, I see his confidence and fearlessness, and yes, I ask myself, is this what it's like to have been raised by a stay-at-home mom? Of course, it's silly to think that one's entire personality is determined solely by whether your mom stuck to the traditional framework of parenthood; but, I go back to how much I hated the sight of Omma's back, clad in a blue-green nursing smock, walking towards her car. I wanted my mommy to stay home with me and I grew to hate the hospital that took her away from me. But, at the same time, I'm almost certain my obsession with self-sufficiency comes from watching my mother. I learned from her how dangerous it can be to depend on anyone, much less a man, for financial stability and actualization. The world can be brittle, breaking open to reveal a senseless cruelty, especially to women, and I never wanted to be unprepared for that eventuality. I am lucky that when I got a divorce, I could afford it. I am lucky that when I left my ex-husband, I knew my financial future would be just fine. I am lucky that when I decided to start my career as a writer, I had my own savings to serve as a safety net. Or, I should say, I am lucky I had a mother who taught me that resilience is a matter of preparation and preparation begins inside myself. So yes, I hated having to say goodbye to Mommy all those countless days she went to work instead of staying at home to play with us. But I don't think I'd be the person I am today if it weren't for the model she provided. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Wishing you all the best,
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