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"To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom." -Socrates

My husband and I have been tearing through Korean dramas over the past couple months. Recently, we finished up the 16-episode 2018 hit, My Mister, a drama that was recommended to me by many of you. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Korean dramas, think extended mini-series: a full story contained within one season (between 10 to 21 episodes), divided into 1 to 1.2 hour episodes. The subject matter can range from courtroom dramas (Juvenile Justice), to sci-fi crime thrillers (Signal), to the quirky rom-com (Love from Another Star). My Mister is a romance + office drama: it revolves around two people who meet at work. This newsletter is not a Kdrama review, so I won't get into the plot, other than to say the writing is excellent, the acting brilliant, and the character development breathtaking.

The reason I bring it up is because of this bit of perfect dialogue that I've been mulling over the past several days. To set the stage (mini-spoiler alert!), the main character (Dong Hoon) has just taken one of his direct reports (a younger woman named Ji-An) to the hospital. Ji-An has been avoiding Dong Hoon because it has recently been revealed that she engaged in corporate espionage at their office and is likely facing jail time. Ji-An has been working as a temp employee and has a "checkered" and tragic past. When she was only 12 years old, she killed a man in self-defense, and since then, she has been working odd jobs to support herself and her ailing grandmother, who is deaf and paraplegic. Dong Hoon knows all of this and, overwhelmed with both pity and an inarticulable sense of camaraderie, tracks her down and, when he finds her delirious with fever, takes her to the hospital.

When she comes to, the following exchange occurs:

Ji-An: Do you really not hate me?

Dong Hoon sighs and has a seat on the edge of the hospital bed.

Dong Hoon: When you get to know someone, when you fully know that person, whatever that person does, it doesn't matter.

Dong Hoon pauses.

Dong Hoon: I know you.

Two things struck me immediately: (a) how wonderful it is to find someone like this in your life, someone who knows you so fully that they will always be there for you no matter what; and (b) why couldn't I do this for myself?

As I've written in previous newsletters, while we'd all love to believe that our parents, spouses, or close friends will never abandon us, the truth is, there is only one person whose loyalty will remain ROCK SOLID. You. YOU are the the one person you have to live with for the rest of your life, no matter what. And while that can sound a bit daunting, it can also be comforting. You will never leave you, because you literally cannot leave you. So, why not invest in knowing yourself well enough so that no matter what you do, it doesn't matter?

And by "it doesn't matter," I don't mean, "know yourself so that you now have license to be an awful, selfish human being."

What I mean is this:

Know yourself so well, that regardless of what anyone else thinks of you, it doesn't matter.

Or, to put a finer point on it, know yourself so well, that regardless of what anyone else thinks of you, it won't affect your self-worth.

Can you think of a time recently, or in the past, when you allowed someone's opinion of you to sway your self-evaluation, one way or the other? I'll give you a good example. When I was in junior high, there was this boy, Matthew, who told his best friend who subsequently told me (it was junior high!) that he liked me. I didn't know Matthew at all, other than as the quiet, rather sullen looking boy with dark blue eyes and really expensive clothes who sat a couple seats behind me in Social Studies class. But, it felt so good to be liked by anyone that I immediately liked him back, and we were "boyfriend and girlfriend" in so much as romantic relationships existed between 12 year olds. For three whole days, I was on cloud 9, because this boy--a blond haired, blue eyed boy from the nice part of town--liked me, and therefore, I must automatically be "cool."

But alas, as the old saying goes, "all good things must come to an end." He told his best friend (the same one who conveyed the first message to me) that he no longer liked me and intended to "dump that dumb chink." [I am the aforementioned "dumb chink."] Needless to say, I was devastated. Not really because I particularly liked this boy who couldn't be bothered to figure out his girlfriend of 3 days was Korean, not Chinese (either that or he couldn't get his racial epithets straight), but because I no longer held his esteem. Thus, in three days, I went from being one of the "cool kids" at school to being a loser, not just in the minds of impressionable pre-teens at Wilmette Junior High, but, in my own.

Is this relatable to any of you?

Let me try a more recent example.

Around November 2020, my phone was ringing off the hook with new clients who wanted to hire me for the first complex cryptocurrency chapter 11 cases filed under the US Bankruptcy Code. [A few years ago, I started acquainting myself with blockchain technology as a hobby and wrote a few articles here and there about the intersection of US bankruptcy law and Bitcoin, which I was sure only 7 people would ever read. But, that is honestly how to become an expert in a field really really quickly... be the only one nerdy enough to write about a topic no one else even wants to understand.] In lieu of representing a number of individual clients, I decided to go for the gold: a committee representation (which is far more lucrative). For those of you who don't know chapter 11 law (i.e., 99.9% of you), a committee gig is one of the best roles an attorney can have in a large bankruptcy case, because the committee can often be one of the most powerful voices on such a case. I put together at team of some of my favorite colleagues to pitch the gig and worked my ASS of all November (including on Thanksgiving Day!) and was thrilled to learn I was selected to be among a handful of finalists. I was the youngest by a fair margin and also the only woman.

I knew that there was virtually no one on the planet who understood blockchain technology, cryptocurrency, and bankruptcy law as well as I did. Because it is such a freaking random thing, right? So, I went in to the final pitch, guns blazing, and I rocked it out. My partners all congratulated me for pulling together an excellent presentation and I was riding high, already thinking about how amazing it would be for such a young partner to bring in such an important case.

But I didn't get it.

It doesn't matter why, because I can never really know why, just like I can never really know why Matthew dumped me. But what I do know is the crushing devastation I felt. I was a failure. I was an imposter. I was a loser.

I was so swayed by the committee's rejection of me, I had a hard time drumming up motivation to show up to the office for several days. But here's the thing--nothing changed. I was the exact same lawyer I was when my phone was ringing off the hook a few weeks before because at that time, everyone realized I understood this arcane topic better than possibly anyone in the world.

So, I go back to this--how would things have been different on the inside had I been armed with better self-knowledge?

Going through life without knowing yourself is a lot like walking into a jury trial without cracking open the exhibit binder. The whole point of a trial is to test your position, and the only way you'll be able to stand your ground is knowing the facts. Anna Katherina Schaffner, Ph.D, author of The Art of Self-Improvement: Ten Timeless Truths, likens the lack of self-knowledge to being stuck on a boat in the middle of a storm: "If we do not understand our basic motivations and fears, we will be tossed around by our emotions like small vessels helplessly adrift on a choppy sea. Ruled by forces that remain incomprehensible to us, we will not be able to navigate towards the shore."

So, how does one begin to "know thyself," as Socrates encourages?

There are a lot of suggestions about dispassionately taking inventory of one's strengths and weaknesses, soliciting feedback from loved ones, evaluating your relationships with people, even keeping a dream journal! And while I think these things all play a vital role, for some of us, we have become so hopelessly biased, we might as well be surrounded by funhouse mirrors.

At which point, perhaps the best thing to do is walk away from the mirror.

The other day, someone gave me some really good advice: "High self-esteem and low self-esteem are really two sides of the same coin. They are both the result of putting the self in front of everything, so that you can't see anything else."

Sometimes, the best way to know who you are is to interact with who you aren't without expecting anything in return.

I remember listening to Rich Roll's Finding Ultra and literally pulling off to the side of the path (I was running) when he said: "Pursue what’s in your heart, and the universe will conspire to support you." I have since tweaked that quote and often tell myself:

"The universe conspires to support those who act in its service."

I received the loveliest email from a good friend who has been counseling me through yet another crisis of worth and he had this to say:

"There will be [those] who doubt, dismiss, question, or look to incite you. Be like water. Flow around the obstacles others place in front of you. Trust in yourself, your intention and your true servant heart."

You see, I had always believed that confidence was about "standing in your truth," not allowing yourself to be shaken by the forces designed to test you, to push you around, to make you fall.

But perhaps I was wrong. Maybe the answer is to replace reaction with intention, to replace ego with service, to erode the boulders of my heart with water, so that my truth isn't stuck in front of a mirror, but is always surging ahead.

Ask Joanne.

Hi Joanne. I am a Chinese American (Guangzhou, cantonese) girl and I just turned 25 years old and I'm feeling so lost in life. I have a deep passion for cooking, pole dancing, and singing but none of them have "taken off." I'm deeply shy but also have a deep need to express and be seen. I feel really insecure as an Asian girl in America that wants to take off doing my passions... I'm just at a place where nothing is happening for me. I know it seems heavy and a lot to ask but..what are your thoughts, opinions, guidance, experiences you can impart on me? I just feel really alone and have no one to turn to for guidance and confidence. -Denise

Dear Denise, I love that you know your passions! I remember on my first date with Anthony thinking to myself, "Man, this guy is so passionate about his music! I am passionate about...nothing?" It took me a few years to realize what I was passionate about, and really only by taking stock of the things that made me angry (e.g., racism). How cool is it that you are affirmatively passionate about things that bring you joy? I also think it is incredibly discerning of you to know that you have the need to express and be seen--something that probably many of us have, but are too shy to admit.

In terms of something "taking off," let's explore what that really means to you. And here, honesty is important, even if you're shy. Do you want to make lots of money with one of these things? Do you want to be famous for one of these things? Or, do you merely want to be able to sustain yourself financially so that you can devote as much time to your crafts as possible? If it's wealth and fame, I would ask you: are you passionate about cooking or passionate about money? Are you in love with pole dancing, or are you in love with attention, and simply using pole dancing as a vehicle for actualizing your true passion? I don't ask these things with any judgment--I think people who look down their noses at those who are passionate about making money or being famous are uptight and self-righteous, and I do not count myself as one of them. I've met a lot of content creators in the past year and always find it refreshing when someone says, "I just want to be on TV and make lots of money." It's honest, it's straightforward, and most of us would be liars if we claimed that fortune and fame didn't hold some allure. If the answer is, "yes, I just want to be rich and famous," then my advice is simple: post on TikTok or YouTube Shorts everyday for a year. It's not a guarantee, but it's the most efficient way I can think of to get you what you're looking for.

If the answer is still "nope, I'm really passionate about cooking/dancing/singing," then perhaps there are other reasons you need something to "take off." As I mentioned, if it's so that you can spend less time working a meaningless job and more time singing, then it probably makes sense to zero in on singing (over cooking and pole dancing). While I think it's great to have more than one passion, if you try to focus on all three things at the same time, you may spread yourself too thin and risk not maximizing your potential in any of them. Commit to really pursuing singing for a year by posting your sounds on TikTok; or, commit to consistently creating food videos on YouTube for one year without getting pulled aside too frequently by singing or pole dancing; or, commit to training for a pole dancing competition or sharing your craft in some other meaningful (and safe!) way for one year. The point is, give yourself some time to truly commit to one of these things and you might be surprised at how far it takes you. If you still feel like you're not gaining enough traction, then move onto the next thing.

Finally, consider what it means to "be seen." What parts of yourself do you want to be seen? And by whom? Once you start sharing yourself, you will no longer have full control over who sees what. If you find the need to be seen overwhelming, perhaps there's an emotional exigency that is going unanswered that can be addressed in a less risky and manageable way. Are you feeling unseen by your parents or other family members? Are you feeling unseen by your colleagues or friends? Your partner or spouse? Your children? Maybe you can satisfy the yearning to be seen by making yourself visible not to a bunch of strangers, but to those who've made you feel unfairly invisible.

Wishing you all the best.

Got a Question? Ask Joanne

GIVEAWAY: We Were Dreamers, by Simu Liu.

In case you missed it, I had the privilege of moderating a chat with Simu Liu, the author of the instant New York Times Best-selling memoir We Were Dreamers. I'm not gonna lie, when I picked up a copy of his book, I was worried it might be another ghost-written "memoir" by a not-writer celebrity. But, wow--don't judge a book by its cover inDEED!

I have been so humbled by Simu's book--which he absolutely wrote himself (not that there's anything wrong with using a ghostwriter if the story is worth telling). While he is no doubt an incredibly talented actor, he is, in my opinion, an even more brilliant writer and storyteller. He started writing this book long before he was cast as the star of Shang-Chi, and I found myself laughing and crying all the way through his story.

I don't think many people know how much he struggled with his parents, whose brand of "tough love" would probably make most people more than uncomfortable. The story of healing and coming full circle with the two most powerful people in any young person's life is both moving and inspiring. If you haven't picked up a copy yet, I strongly recommend that you do. AND, the audio version is QUITE good for you all who like to "read" while running, cooking, driving, etc.

If you'd like to win a free copy of the book, register here!!

Announcements (including a Recipe!).

It's summertime!! The weather is getting hot and humid and downright sweaty! Looking for the perfect summertime recipe? Check out the naengmyeon recipe I shared with WTTW!
Did you listen to this interview I did with NPR on cooking Korean vegan food?
I had such a great time chatting with Brahmjot Kaur over at NBCNews about creating food content!
If you're getting this early enough, check out this LIVE discussion I'm having with Michelle Yee Hee Lee on the Washington Post's Race In America.

Feel Good Links.

You all seemed to really like the feel good links I included in my last newsletter, so I might make it a regular section each week! Let me know if you enjoy having a curated list of short videos that make you laugh, cry, or want to get up and dance!

Here are the ones that caught my heart this week:

Parting Thoughts.

May was AANHPI ("Asian American Native Hawaiian Pacific Islander") Heritage Month. It was a busy month for the Molinaro household. Between speaking engagements, cooking demonstrations, and interviews, I was at once heartened and a little drained by being in the spotlight. I don't know if this sounds relatable, but towards the end of the month, I just wanted to be like, "Hey, can you look at me just as Joanne? And not as a Korean American?"

I remember speaking with a colleague at the Firm when the Atlanta shootings happened last year, how she grappled with two emotions that were at odds with each other. As the rise in Asian hate shook our community, she wanted to feel seen and heard because it was causing her so much anxiety as a Korean American woman, but, she also wanted to be treated as just another lawyer, without having to explain or talk about her Koreanness. It's a complicated issue--on the one hand, I think it is important that the AANHPI community be granted fair and adequate representation, and therefore, highlighting unique experiences and diving into how they affect cultural identity is critical. But, on the other hand, by about May 25, I really just wanted to say, "Hey, I eat pasta with sauce out of a jar sometimes."

We are all multifaceted. Identity isn't a picture perfect puzzle where all the pieces fit together as if they were carved out for each other. Some aspects of our personality may not "vibe" with others. For example, I love to push myself physically because I value the confidence it builds. But, I also very much enjoy being able to roll out of bed with zero workout planned for the day. Similarly, some days, I feel compelled to share stories about my childhood as a Korean American--to help those like me feel seen and heard, while challenging others who may be less familiar with the narratives of diaspora. But on other days, I just want to blend in with the crowd, be a little invisible while the spotlight shifts to someone else.

As we wrap up this newsletter on "knowing yourself," resist the urge to force the pieces of who you are into a predetermined mold. It's ok if some pieces don't seem to fit well with others. These parts deserve a place in your puzzle as much as all the other ones. In fact, it may be those jagged, irregular shapes that you'll grow to love the most, as they push you past the illusory boundaries they've set for you, that you've set for yourself.

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The Secret to a Healthy Self Esteem, a Passion for Pole Dancing, the PERFECT Summertime Recipe, and a Giveaway!